Coaching Conversations in 2024

Coaching People Full of Crap (said that nicely)

August 05, 2022 Tim Hagen
Coaching Conversations in 2024
Coaching People Full of Crap (said that nicely)
Show Notes Transcript

What I'm about to share is not going to be very popular. What I'm about to share is not going to be well received by everybody. The other day, I was talking to somebody that works at a manufacturing plant, and this person was a friend of a friend and the friend had asked me to speak to him and talk to him about his performance. I said, sure, but I said, I don't know the guy so I want to be very clear that I, I'm not going to challenge him as normally as I would. We sat down and we started to talk, and I asked how things were going and he immediately went on complaining about management. He had been at the company about six months now, again, this is not everybody, yet I want to provide a solution at the end. It’s called the co-authored conflict. I taught my guys when I coached volleyball how to do this, I teach this, for people when they do team development. When you co-author conflict, meaning how do we have conversations of conflict when it arises? As the conversation ensued, I started to take notes and I said, would you mind if I took some notes? He said, sure. And I asked him how things were going. I was up to nine things he was frustrated with. And I said, so is there anything else you'd like to add? He said, no. I said, okay. I said, would you mind if I state back to you what I heard? What I heard you say, non-emotionally, just factually are the following. I read back the nine items. He goes, yeah, I think you have it for the most part. 

 

And I said, well, I'm going to state back something to you. I said, I asked you how things were going. You listed nine things that frustrated you, which you just confirmed. And he had this expression of, oh crap. I said, no. I said, I, I get, I get it. You don't know me. I said, we're just talking. And you've been here six months. I asked you how things were going. You didn't list one positive thing. So, I have two questions for you. Why are you here? And what have you done in the last 12 months to better yourself, professionally and personally? What have you done on your own to invest in you? So again, what have you done on your own to invest in you? And he couldn't answer that question. And I said, so you've been here for six months. You listed nine things. Why are you still here? And he said, well, you know, I, I, I don't know. I, you know, I was looking at a job and you know, I, a friend of mine suggested I work here. I said, so how do you think you've represented your friend who opened the door for you to get this job who asked me to speak with you? He said, well, probably not well. Well. I said, okay, well, this has been a great conversation. He was just shocked. He said, well, you didn't give me your opinion. And I said, yeah, I, I didn't want to give it to you. I didn't know if you're the type of person I'd want to give an opinion to. He said, why would you say that? I said, because I asked you how things were going you listed nine negative things. You've been here six months. You can't answer anything, anything in terms of what you've done in th

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Speaker 1:

What I'm about to share is not going to be very popular. What I'm about to share is not going to be well received by everybody. The other day I was talking to somebody that works at a manufacturing plant and this person was a friend of a friend and the friend had asked me to speak to him and, uh, talked to him about his performance. And I said, Sure. But I said, I don't know the guy, so I wanna be very, you know, clear, um, that I I'm not gonna challenge him as heavily as I would, you know, if the, if I had spent some time with him. So we sat down and we started to talk and I asked how things were going and he immediately went in on complaining and management. He had been at the company about six months. Now, again, this is not everybody yet. I wanna provide a solution at the end, and I think it is called coauthored conflict. I taught my guys, when I coach volleyball, how to do this. I teach this, uh, for people when they do team development. When you co-author conflict, meaning how do we have conversations a conflict when it arises cuz it's going to. So as a conversation ensued, I started to take notes and I said, Would you mind if I took some notes? He said, Sure. And I asked him how things were going. I was up to nine things he was frustrated with. And I said, So is there anything else you'd like to add? He said, No. I said, Okay. I said, Would you mind if I stated back to you what I heard you say non emotionally, just factually? So I read back the nine items. He goes, Yeah, I think you have it for the most part. And I said, Well, I'm gonna state back something to you. I said, I asked you how things were going, You listed nine things that frustrated you, which you just confirmed. And he had this expression of, Oh crap. I said, No. I said, I, I get, I get it. You don't know me. I said, We're just talking and you've been here six months. I asked you how things were going, You didn't list one positive thing. So I have two questions for you. Why are you here? And what have you done in the last 12 months to better yourself professionally and personally? What have you done on your own to invest in you? So again, what have you done on your own to invest in you? And he couldn't answer that question. And I said, So you've been here for six months. You listed nine things. Why are you still here? And he said, Well, you know, I, I, I don't know, I, you know, I was looking at a job and you know, I, a friend of

Speaker 2:

Mine. And I said, So how do you think you've represented your friend who opened the door for you to get this job? Who asked me to speak with you? He said, Well, probably not really. Well. I said, Okay, well hey, this has been a great conversation. And he was just shocked. He said, Well, you didn't give me your opinion. And I said, Yeah, I I didn't wanna give it to you. I didn't know if you're the type of person I'd wanna give an opinion to. He said, Why would you say that? I said, Cuz I asked you how things were going. He listed nine things. You've been here six months, you can't answer anything, anything in terms of what you've done in the last 12 months for yourself. So I'm not so sure you're the best candidate to receive feedback. Again, he has this look of fear and uncomfortableness come over him. And he said, No, I'd really be interested. I said, Great. I said, Could we do something? He said, Sure. I said, When I give you my feedback, I don't want your response. He said, Excuse me? I said, I just want you to digest it. I'll get back together with you. I'll spend time with you, but I don't want your feedback in the moment cuz you asked for it. But if you're asking for it to argue with me, I would just prefer not to have an argument. So I give him the feedback. I said, Geez, you've been here six months, you've listed nine things. You haven't done anything to invest in yourself. People like you put yourself in a category of bleacher people. You sit in the bleachers. You don't go above and beyond the call of duty like a player on the field. You complain about things, you recruit people to complain. Woe is me. Misery's. Wonderful. That's my impression of you. So when do you wanna get back together?<laugh> the guy looked at me, just stunned, right? Just stunned. And about a week later, we get back together and he said, You know, I've thought a lot about our conversation. I, I am kind of full of it. I said, No, you're not kind of, you're full of it. If you're gonna be full of crap, at least be the whole barrel of crap. He starts laughing. I said, I'm really proud of you for coming back to the second meeting. That's a huge step. I wanna make an agreement with you that you seek feedback once a week from a teammate and you just listen. Number two, that you invest in one thing in the next six months. It can be reading a book, it can be watching training videos, it can be taken a course online, going to school at night, whatever it is, you have to invest in one thing. And so why I share this conversation is we have been so focused, so focused on employees, mental health, their wellbeing, making sure they're happy, making sure they're in a good place. And those are important things. Yet the employees have a responsibility to themselves to invest in themselves. So in our second conversation, I said, So you ended up working on a manufacturing plant. First of all, I'm not putting that down. Is this where you wanted to end up?

Speaker 3:

He said, No. Said, Where did you wanna end up? I wanted to go to college. I said, Why didn't you go? I said, I got married. We started having kids. I said, Okay, that's a pretty big interruption, right? That's not easy to do. And he said, No. And I said, So by your choices, or maybe buy, you know, non-choice, you've ended up here. So is that something you positioned yourself to do? Or did somebody get you in a headlock and make you end up here? He said, No, it's, it's of my own choices. And I said, Great. Are you outta choices? He said, What do you mean? I said, Are you outta choices? Are your kids in school? Yeah. Yeah, they're in grade school. I said, Okay, are you outta choices? He said, Well, of course not. I said, So what's your next big choice for you? And all of a sudden he smiled. He said, I don't know. I said, What do you wanna do? He said, Honestly, I see things sometimes here. I'm not being negative now he's conditioning me, not being negative, but I see things here that could be better. And I said, So how are you gonna handle that thought feeling professionally? He said, Geez, I don't know. I said, That's gonna require some conversations. And you've gotta be really, really thoughtful when you do that because you're not a leader. So we ended up putting him into our leadership program and he's been a willing participant. He's looking in the mirror. Here's the point of this whole story. We have to have tough conversations with people who are full of crap. We have to have tough conversations with people who end up in certain places that maybe they didn't think they were gonna end up or they don't wanna be. It is their choice to dig out of that. It is their choice to personally and professionally invest in themselves. So we need to have challenging conversations with people. And one of the ways you do that is to have agreements of discord saying, When I approach you and I give you feedback, let's wait. Let's wait maybe three days before we reconvene. Here's the amazing thing, everybody, when you have time, when you have time going, people start to come to their own realizations positively. Maybe not all the time, but someone very negative in the moment who's, Yeah, but they're gonna have that trigger. They're gonna have that conditioned response. This helps counter that. We need to have these conversations with people who are just doing their jobs.