Are your conversations with others more battlefields than discussions? Transform the way you engage in dialogue, even when opinions clash, as we explore the finesse of maintaining meaningful conversations amidst disagreement. Our journey into the heart of effective communication reveals the surprising truth behind our self-awareness—or lack thereof—backed by Tasha Eurich's enlightening research. We put under the microscope the RIRE assessment, an invaluable tool for anyone eager to navigate the stormy seas of challenging conversations. Whether it's a political debate or a heated family discussion, learn how to leave the armor behind and turn exchanges into opportunities for growth and understanding.
As we turn the page to workplace dynamics, prepare to uncover the secret weapon of successful teams: active listening. Say goodbye to departmental conflicts and hello to synergy as we dissect how truly hearing one another can bridge the gap between the most conflicting of viewpoints. This episode equips you with actionable strategies that move beyond mere acknowledgment to a profound comprehension of your colleagues' perspectives. By adopting these methods, you'll witness a transformation in your meetings and collaborations, fostering an environment where emotional intelligence paves the way to a more connected and productive workplace. Join us on a transformative journey that promises to change not just the way you talk, but the way you listen.
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Speaker 1:
So what if we defined a successful conversation of disagreement? Think about that just for a second A successful conversation of disagreement. So let me give you context. Let's take a Republican and a Democrat here in the States, and what would a successful conversation truly be? Now I think we all want to convince the other side to come to their side, but deep down I think we know it's probably not possible or plausible. A successful conversation might be hearing one another's views and appreciating one another's views Doesn't mean we agree with one another's views. So when we have conversations in the workplace, we have conversations of disagreement. We deliver feedback, we provide observations, we challenge one another. So when there's a conversation, a number of things occur.
Speaker 1:
Now we're going to get into emotional intelligence. The two major tenets, as I see them called self-awareness and self-regulation. Now remember, with self-awareness, 85% of people significantly lack self-awareness. Studied done by Tasha Yurak, 95% of the people in the survey said yes, I'm highly self-aware. She tested them. Only 10% were. Now, self-regulation is holding back, not interrupting, not disrupting, not yabbing somebody.
Speaker 1:
Yet there's a storm before emotional intelligence. It's called emotional interpretation. So when I go up to somebody and say why would you vote for that candidate? That's going to have someone go into a state of emotionally interpreting my approach. Typically it will not be one of calmness or logic or rationale, because the way I phrased the question was accusatory. It even came off a little bit derogatory. The word why tends to put people in a defensive posture. Now if I approach that person and say so, what do you really enjoy most about that candidate and what are some of the views that you really support, that will elicit a different response. That will cause the person to emotionally interpret differently.
Speaker 1:
Now we have something here at Progress Coaching called the RIRE assessment. Rire is R-I-A-R React, interpret, articulate and reflect. So when somebody says to an employee or to a teammate you know, we're late on this project, you could have showed up on time, you could have gotten these things done more readily. Now that could be even accurate when it comes to feedback. The person could have been late, the person could be holding up the rest of the team. The fact of the matter is this In that moment that person's going to react. So before we get to the reaction, we have to talk about the approach.
Speaker 1:
When you approach people, what do you want? What do you want? We forget that. So when I go up to someone and say why would you do it that way. What I really am demonstrating in terms of the want is I want you to feel defensive because my approach is not going to garner a logical, rational, calm approach or reaction for the most time, or for the most part Now. With that being said, when we approach, it's much like feedback. Do you know? The goal of feedback isn't to give feedback. The goal of feedback is to give it, so somebody receives it well and strategically utilizes it. So if I frown and I fold my arms and I say, why would you do it that way?
Speaker 1:
You need to be more diligent that person's going to focus on my emotion. They're not going to focus on themselves. They're going to emotionally take it out of context. They're going to feel like they're attacked, and maybe justifiably, and we've lost sight of the objective. So we have to first understand our approach.
Speaker 1:
What do we want when we approach people? When we approach, we're going to elicit something called emotional interpretation. Someone's going to react. They're going to interpret your approach or your message. They're going to articulate a response and then, hopefully, they're going to reflect upon how they responded. They're going to stop before reflection. So when I approach somebody, my approach is important. There's a reaction. Then somebody goes into a mode of emotional intelligence.
Speaker 1:
Let's get back to self-awareness and self-regulation. Self-awareness is truly seeing yourself, looking in the mirror and, being honest, Few people do it. So, with that being said, if I approach somebody and they don't like what they hear, they don't calm down, they don't become more rational, they don't become more logical, they tend to become more emotional, they tend to take it out of context. There's a risk with that, because when we take that risk, we tend to tell people. How often do we hear our coworkers or friends or family say oh, my boss was such a jerk today. He really attacked me. Think about that term attacked.
Speaker 1:
So the point, being self-awareness, is about really taking a deep breath, listening, thinking how can I positively react to this? What opportunity does this question or this approach benefit me? And then the way you do that is to start with self-regulation. Take a deep breath, and one of the greatest books I've ever read is Stress for Success by Jim Lorne, and he always says no matter what happens, the first question you should ask yourself is this and it's a reframing technique what opportunity does this present me? So think back to the Democrats and Republicans two people having lunch and talking. What benefits me? What opportunity does this provide me? And what that does is it reframes how you're going to react and also approach the person you're talking to. It seems so simple. Now here's my challenge to you Watch people converse, especially at a family event or a social gathering.
Speaker 1:
Watch people how they react to each other. Do you know that most of the time when people react, we tend to want to give our opinion, we tend to want to give our interpretation, we tend to want to have our voice be heard. How often when you hear people in disagreement let's go back to Democrats and Republicans do you hear, yeah, but you know. What's always funny to me is that when somebody brings up the president or a past president, we end up bringing up the other person yeah, but your candidate, when I'm talking about my candidate and we react that way. So when you're thinking about really having successful conversations of disagreement, one, it's to approach successfully. Ask yourself what's the outcome and what's the best way to approach that person. What's that language look like? What does your body language need to look like? Number two when you receive, how are you going to emotionally interpret thoughtfully, professionally and plausibly. How are you going to react, interpret, articulate and then hopefully reflect in a really calm manner? It doesn't happen all the time and we don't want zombies in our workplace where we don't have emotions or feelings. Yet when there's disagreement there's opportunity.
Speaker 1:
Let me give you a case study. There was a client during the pandemic that made materials for bacterial viruses and so, needless to say, this company, the pandemic was great for them. And I had a leader say geez, I got two departments. They've got to work together. They don't listen to each other, they're fighting all the time. And he said we had a couple of meetings and I sat in on the second meeting and I started to put some tally marks down on a sheet of paper and he looked down and he goes what are you doing? And I said I'm counting the number of times of emotional discord nonverbally. He goes what I said watch their facial expressions. Before the other person is done talking, they're already showing disagreement, which is getting the other person charged up. And we were sitting at the end of the table. He goes this is fascinating. It was like we were watching in a lab people in an experiment.
Speaker 1:
So what we did is we implemented at the next meeting. You were not allowed to present your opinion. You rebuttal your thoughts or responses until you demonstrated active listening to the person who spoke before you. So if John said, well, here's what I think we should do, susie would say well, john, here's what I'm hearing you say. You know what was amazing? The manager called me and said in 22 minutes I'd say about half the time people said no, no, no, I didn't mean it that way. Let me rephrase that Meaning they didn't articulate the message. They wanted to be heard. The act of listening allowed them to do what Back up and reframe or reapproach the verbiage or what they wanted to share. And he said within 22 minutes we started to realize we were not far apart.
Speaker 1:
What was in the middle of the distancing, what was causing the distancing between the two departments, by the way, business wise, during a very good time for the company, when other people were being laid off, was emotions. It was emotional interpretation. And then, when people would leave the meeting, you would hear people utter to their teammates that guy never lets anyone talk. All he does is he likes to hear himself talk. Have we really ever heard somebody say you know, when I go into that meeting next Tuesday. I hope I'm the only one talking. I love to hear myself talk. What we do is we label and judge people and we give her opinion and what happens is that gets out of control. That becomes the focus, not the things that we need to approach with and not the things that we need to hear. Based on the approach. Let me know if this was helpful.