Navigating Disputes with Grace and Clarity

Can conflict be a tool for growth rather than a source of stress? This episode will change the way you think about disagreements, offering actionable strategies to turn confrontations into opportunities for deeper understanding and collaboration. By unpacking the transformative power of seeking permission before offering feedback, we guide you toward a more empathetic and effective approach to conflict resolution. Our engaging anecdotes, including a compelling story from the world of volleyball coaching, illustrate how these principles can lead to more harmonious and productive outcomes.

Tune in to discover how to navigate emotionally charged situations with grace and clarity. We break down practical techniques for maintaining respect and consideration, ensuring that open communication thrives even in the most challenging circumstances. Whether you're navigating workplace disagreements or personal disputes, this episode provides you with the tools to manage conflict constructively and maintain positive relationships. Let's reframe conflict as a chance to build awareness and address blind spots together.

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:37

So how do we have conversations of conflict? First of all, I think we have to reframe our relationship with conflict. Confronting is nothing more than building awareness in an uncomfortable area where somebody has an opportunity to improve. See, when we confront if I confront somebody because I'm upset, that will lead to an argument. Now, if I confront somebody in the frame of mind that I have an opportunity to build awareness where somebody might have a blind spot, then my disposition, my approach, has a better chance of being accepted. Number two when we approach people, one of the best things we can do is something we teach called the permission plus the sword. Bob, would you mind if I shared with you a perspective where I think we could work more effectively together? Notice the we. Now, that's the permission part. The sort is, and I'd love to hear from you, because the last thing I want to do is make assumptions of where you're coming from, because I think that would be horribly unfair to you. You ask for permission and then you use a phrase such as I don't want to make assumptions of where you're coming from and that's why I wanted to approach you, because I think that would be unfair to you. Now you're owning why. You're approaching the person, it's about you. It's not necessarily at least not initially about them. You're still having the conversation really embedded in conflict, and so when you ask for permission and someone says, well, okay, I mean they're not going to love it. Yet the minute they invite the feedback, they can't say well, I came out of the blue, he attacked me and I'll give you a great example.

Speaker 1: 2:12

I coached volleyball for a long time and I had a friend in town who was talking to a parent and the parent had come to me at practice two minutes before the start of practice broke the rule of scheduling time with me. Was really upset, was raising his voice. Before I even got to the verb, I knew he was upset and I said this is not the right time to talk about it. I request appointments, and the reason being is so I can have a proper frame of mind, so we can have a really good discussion. He said well, I don't have a lot of time. I request appointments, and the reason being is so I can have a proper frame of mind, so we can have a really good discussion. He said well, I don't have a lot of time. I said so, you're taking my time in the kids' practice time. Is that what you're demanding of me right now? Well, no, I said great, let's revisit it.

Speaker 1: 2:53

So we later got back together and he was still upset and he later told my friend that I attacked him. And my friend said well, where did the conversation take place? Well, it was at the gym. And he said well, he called you in. Well, no, I just stopped by. It wasn't going to take long.

Speaker 1: 3:10

And what he was doing is he was reacting, he was interpreting, he was articulating to my friend a very different version. See, he didn't offer those details because he was absolving himself of responsibility. So when you get permission, and when I finally met with him, I said do I have your permission to be candid with you? He said yes. I said I need to ask you again. I'm going to be candid with you and before I do that, are you aware that your son knows why he's not playing? And all of a sudden he looked at me stunned he goes, he does. I said we do one-on-ones with the boys every two weeks. Let me quote your son Coach, I'm never going to crack the starting lineup. I get where I am. I love being a part of this team.

Speaker 1: 3:58

Boom argument over. He said, wow, I didn't know that. I said I know. And he said I'm really sorry. And I said, no, I'm happy, this is your kid, I get it. And he said, boy, I really kind of came charging hard. I said, oh, I think you came very well charging hard. You didn't come kind of charging hard. And we both laughed and in the moment it dissipated and I asked him for permission. I asked him for permission. Can I share your son's comments? And it diffused it.

Speaker 1: 4:23

Conflict is wonderful. Most supportive parent through the years that his kid was in the program. So when we're asking for permission and we're throwing ourselves on the sword so I don't make assumptions listen, because the minute they say yes, you then offer and say look, I'd love to hear from you. Conflict is not yelling, screaming bloodshed. It is a cooperative language, it is a cooperative approach and you want to position the person you're approaching to be comfortable, to react, to receive. See the goal of feedback, and I always love this. The goal of feedback is never to give feedback. The goal of feedback, especially with conflict, is to give it so somebody receives it well and strategically utilizes it. How often do we wait and wait and wait and I've now got to have a conversation with Bob. And what do we do? We unload. Our emotion comes out when your emotion is the focus and the message is lost, they'll never change and, quite frankly, your emotion will trigger their emotion, which becomes combustible.