The Power of a Deep Breath in Difficult Dialogues

What if you could transform every conflict into an opportunity for growth? Discover how mastering the art of conflict management could redefine your relationships at work and beyond. In this episode, we unpack practical strategies for both approaching and receiving conflict. Learn the subtle but powerful shift in language that can reduce defensive reactions and open the door to constructive dialogue. By asking for permission and using a metaphorical sword, we explore how to approach difficult conversations with empathy and clarity. Plus, understand the magic of taking a deep breath and giving yourself a moment to process, turning heated exchanges into productive discussions.

Moving into actionable feedback, we introduce the EAT method: Embrace, Ask, and Tell. Embrace feedback graciously to shift your mindset, ask for specific suggestions to gain clarity, and tell your action plan to ensure continuous improvement. Through personal stories and practical examples, we highlight the importance of continuous feedback and the discomfort of silence in the workplace. Tune in to enhance your communication and leadership skills, and learn how to invite feedback in a way that fosters growth and understanding. Don't miss out on these valuable insights that could transform your professional and personal interactions.

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:37

So what can we do to improve our conflict abilities, our ability to approach and receive? Let me start with approach. I would again continue to use permission plus the sword. Bob, do you mind if I share with you an opportunity Language is important Opportunity, perspective, insight. Stay away from the word feedback. It will trigger a negative reaction. It typically triggers uh-oh. Here it comes Insight sounds different, perspective, perception sounds friendlier. Do you mind if I share with you permission, the sword. Throw yourself on the sword. And I want to hear from you, because the last thing I want to do is make assumptions, because I think that would be terribly unfair to you.

Speaker 1: 1:19

Now you're owning why you're approaching. You're not just putting them on the defensive Doesn't mean they hug and kiss you. It means you've started off on a much better foot than leading with your emotion when you're receiving conflict. Deep breath, maybe even two more deep breaths, and looking at somebody and practicing this, really practicing this, and saying to the person let me just digest this for a second. Do you mind if I just take about 30 to 45 seconds Time? Does a wonderful thing in conflict Wonderful? Think about the time you have a fight with a friend at work and you say things you both regret. That's emotional Doesn't mean we should be robotic, yet it's emotional. And then we see each other in the hallway and it's that clumsy. Well, hi, john, hey, look, you know, I said some things the other day I didn't mean. And then he responds yeah, I did too. I'm really sorry. What was the difference? What changed? Nothing except time.

Speaker 1: 2:18

So when you slow down your reaction and you practice that and even ask a clarifying question again, I like to stay away from the phrase give me an example, because that typically triggers someone to have a rebuttal. What you want to do is ask something to the effect of would you mind diving a little bit deeper? I don't want to make assumptions. Could you give me a little bit more context? Dive in a little bit deeper Now, if the person if you're that person responding to that, don't unload three examples, because that conditions the conversation to move in the direction of an argument. I'm going to one-up you. I'm going to prove you're wrong. It's tough, conflict is tough, approaching and receiving is tough.

Speaker 1: 3:00

Now, the other thing I would encourage you to adopt is something called that. We have a whole program on that. We call EAT, feedback. Eat is embrace, ask and tell. So when someone gives me feedback, what I do is I embrace and say well, first of all, thanks for sharing it with me. I appreciate it. It seems corny, it seems trite, it seems over the top. Yet I will tell you the minute you embrace, you've changed your frame of mind. You've absolved yourself, for the most part, of overly reacting emotionally. When you ask, you give that person an opportunity to clarify deeper, and the ask is well, could you give me some suggestions of where you think I could improve? And all of a sudden, they give you clarification and it's not as bad as you thought, because you're more clear. The T, the tell is well. First of all, thanks for the feedback. I love your suggestions about what I could do better, let's say, in my presentation skills. Let me tell you what I'm going to do with your feedback. You know what you do when you eat feedback. You invite that person to come back again.

Speaker 1: 4:00

The worst thing that we can hear as leaders, as individual contributors, as employees, as executives, is silence. The minute you have silence, you'll never know where you stand. I had a boss at IBM over 40 years ago. Martha always gave me feedback daily, multiple times a day, and I hated it and I'll never forget this. 40 years later, she said to me when it's quiet, you'll never know where you stand, and that's an uneasy feeling. We assume we're doing great, but maybe people have just gotten tired of giving you feedback because you've pushed back so hard. They're just tired of doing it. I'll never forget that. Now, does that mean I love feedback? Does that mean I don't get defensive? Of course I do. We all do. We're humans. Yet if we practice receiving feedback, if we practice asking for feedback, if we take deep breaths and we reflect before we react, guess what happens? Things get a lot better, good luck.