Parental Passion in Youth Sports: Understanding Emotional Intelligence and Advocacy

Ever found yourself at a youth sports game, feeling the heat of a parent's passionate outburst? This episode brings you a front-row seat to an eye-opening conversation about the deeper motivations behind such intense parental involvement. Our host, a seasoned expert in coaching and emotional intelligence, shares a personal encounter with a fervent volleyball parent that serves as a springboard into a broader discussion on emotional interpretation and the complex dynamics of parenting in youth sports. Through relatable anecdotes and insights, we dissect the common misconception that parents live vicariously through their children, uncovering instead the underlying desire to protect and advocate.

As we unravel this narrative, we challenge listeners to reflect on their own roles as parents and mentors. With a focus on fostering self-advocacy and resilience in children, this episode encourages a shift in perspective, highlighting the importance of letting kids face challenges independently. The host offers valuable perspectives on how parents' actions can impact their child's development, urging a more objective approach in supporting their growth. Tune in for a compelling exploration of coaching, parenting, and the nuanced role of emotional intelligence.

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:37

You know, for the past 30 years I've been teaching leaders how to coach, and running alongside that career has been my passion for coaching boys volleyball. And I'm still amazed, even to this day, going to volleyball matches and listening to people. Now I happen to be certified in DISC, which is a behavioral assessment, along with emotional intelligence, and I think about watching these parents and I watch them and I hear them. And recently I was sitting next to a gentleman and I actually went to a match by myself. I didn't go, I didn't have a kid in the match, I didn't have a coach that I was rooting for, I was literally just watching for the love of the sport.

Speaker 1: 1:23

And this gentleman, just every play that went against his kid's team would complain, he'd yell, he'd scream, he'd you know, yell things at the ref. And then he finally turned to me and he said man, this officiating is terrible, isn't it? I didn't say anything at first and then I said something to the effect of do you have a kid on the team? He said, yeah, I do. And I said, okay. I said you really seem to know a lot about volleyball and he said, oh, yeah, I do. I've had three kids play and I said yeah, but what's your personal experience? He said what do you mean? I said well, you know what's your experience. Did you coach? And he goes well, no, I didn't play, I didn't coach. I said have you ever officiated a match? He said no, why? And I could see his face change. I could see his tone. I could hear his tone change. I said, oh interesting, I didn't combat him, I didn't confront him, I did everything with a smile. He said why did you ask? And I said are you really open to that feedback? He said yeah, sure, I really am. I said okay, great. I said have you ever officiated a match and had somebody yell at you for two straight hours for about 30, 40, 50 bucks? He said no. I said you should do it. Do it just one time, not not 20 times, not 100 times, just once, and I promise you will never, ever, yell at an official again.

Speaker 1: 2:47

I got up and I walked away, and the reason I walked away is he asked me questions. I didn't offer him advice, I didn't confront him. See, that's the gift of coaching. See, I believe what is really at play here is something called emotional interpretation. See, a lot of times we label things and I hear parents who will complain about other parents. Well, they're living through their kids. That's not really what's going on. What's going on is I see my kid struggling. Something unfair is happening to my child. I want to fix it. I want to complain about it. When my kid isn't getting enough playing time, I got to go see the coach. Why, you know?

Speaker 1: 3:27

I made this joke to a friend of mine who kept saying yeah, I went to the coach, I went to the coach. I went to the coach, I go. What happens when you die? He goes. What I go. Like when you drop dead, do you leave notes for someone to go into the boss and fight for your kid? He said, well, no, you know he'll be an adult. Then I go. Yet he's learning adult behaviors right now. How is he going to advocate for himself? How is he going to have a conversation with his boss and himself? And how is he going to be objective about his boss? Because every time something goes against him, all he's heard is it's unfair to my child. This gentleman, my friend, looks stunned and that's why I chose to have the conversation with that gentleman.

Speaker 1: 4:13

At the volleyball match and as I was walking out to my car. The gentleman from the volleyball match came up to me and he said you know, I really was thinking about what you said and the reason I knew he was. So when I sat across from him I sat on the other side of the gym basically saying I don't want to sit next to you. It was not pleasant Because at one point during the conversation I said to him you know, do you feel like you're an objective person? He goes, I do, I go. Not once have you complained about the officiating when the call was in your kid's teen's favor. So when I was walking out he came up to me and he said you know, I really thought about what you said. I've never had someone bring that up to me in that context. And you know I said good. I said you know, these guys don't make a lot of money. It's not fun being screamed at for six, seven, eight hours a day standing on your feet and, by the way, guess who yells at him? People who have never coached or played. And he goes yeah, you're right Now. Did I cure this gentleman? No See, I think the challenge we have, or the challenge that parents have and we all have it we see our kids struggle.

Speaker 1: 5:20

We want to create a path for them and what we have to do is really help them find skill sets so they can create their own path. One of the greatest things kids can have today is a bad teacher. One of the greatest things kids can have today is a bad coach. Here's why it teaches resilience. I still think one of the greatest books ever is by a woman, angela Duckworth Grit, and she talks about the number one determinant of success is grit guts, resilience, intensity, tenacity. It is overcoming change and challenge and persevering over a period of time.

Speaker 1: 5:58

Gosh, what happens when a parent sees that a kid's not playing? How many times have we heard these horror stories about getting the parents together in a petition and we've got to have the coach removed? Are you kidding me? What are you going to do when you go into the workplace? Now, somebody might argue that you know.

Speaker 1: 6:24

I have talked to people, one being my sister-in-law, who once told me a story of a parent who actually came into a post-college not internship, post-college job interview and she literally looked at the mother and said, if you sit down, looked at the child who's a college graduate, if you have your mother sit down, this interview will be over instantly. You will never be hired here. Both people sat down. My sister-in-law got up, closed the folder and guess what the parent did? The threats come Just like I'm going to call the athletic director. She said well, I'm going to go to HR. My sister-in-law looked at the mother and said who do you think just told me to do what I just did and walked out of the meeting. Think about that child's lack of capability of having their own conversations and advocating for themselves. Youth sports is one of the greatest predictors of behaviors in the corporate workplace.